Meet the Fockers -
Having survived a meeting with her parents -- Jack (ROBERT DE NIRO) .. talks about him being such a sexual dynamo and that women crave. In the movie, Roz Focker, played by Barbra Streisand, is a sex therapist. "Many unplanned pregnancies happen because the man is such a sexual dynamo and the woman Dress up a little nicer, meet at a hotel, role play. many unplanned pregnancies happen because the man is such a sexual dynamo and the woman craves his sperm on an unconscious.
A woman talks about senior sexuality.
A man says, "I conceived him with one testicle" and proceeds to explain why he has only one. A dog thrusts against a woman's leg and a man makes a comment about the dog's anatomy, a dog thrusts on a hand puppet in the shape of a man and we hear rhythmic squeaking, and a dog thrusts on top of a cat. A man straps on a fake breast it looks very lifelike and prepares to feed a toddler.
A man holds up a fake breast to show a crowd of people. We see many sculptures of parts of the human anatomy and nude men and women with bare breasts, pubic regions, phalluses, couples engaged in sex acts, as well as books covering sexual topics orgasms, etc.
A woman tries on a slinky dress that hugs her form and shows the outline of her nipples. A toddler motions with his hands and mouth that he wants to nurse when he sees a woman's ample cleavage, as well as when he sees a billboard of a woman with ample cleavage, and when he sees women on a bus lifting their tops to reveal bare breasts. A man opens a shower curtain to step out of the shower and another man is sitting on the toilet with his boxers around his ankles.
A woman wears a low-cut, tight-fitting dress that reveals cleavage, bare shoulders and back in several scenes. A woman says, "I got a boob job. A man puts his arm around another man's neck and kisses his head. Another man is shot in the chest with a taser gun, and he falls to the ground. A man shoves a man, who then picks him up and throws him on the ground the man on the ground is injured. A man kicks a man in the nose. A man injects another man in the neck with a syringe.
A man threatens to fight a man. A police officer slams a man to the hood of a car, then another man, and puts them both in handcuffs.
A man passes out on a stage we hear him hit the floor hard. A dog chases a cat, the dog falls in a toilet, the cat flushes the toilet, and the dog swirls around and goes down the toilet pipes; a man hits the toilet bowl with a fire extinguisher until it is loosened from the floor and he pulls the dog out we see the dog covered with blue liquid and later his coat is stained blue.
A toddler head butts a man we see the man's nose bleeding and cries when the man yells. A man lies on the ground in front of an RV in order to keep it from driving away. I'm just gonna store it in the Captain's closet. Would you like to purchase rental insurance, Mr. That's how they make all their money. You don't need it. Get out of here. The House of Byrnes. Lot of good memories here. I am watching you. Well, almost, but you have to do it with two fingers.
One on each eye like this: We'll get back to that later. I see a Nobel Prize in your future. Shortstack, shortstack coming up! Put some syrup in the cup. Pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa. That's how it goes, right? Nice to see you. Nice to see you, Grandpa. How did my nephew get so big?
You look just like your mommy. He does, doesn't he? Remember we talked about him? The card only comes in one gender. Now, that's-- that's all right. He's taking you in. He has a very keen sense for people, Greg. He's a chip off the old block, huh? We might have another CIA man on our hands here.
I'd be discreet about my profession, Greg, if I were you. You know what I mean? As far as your parents are concerned, I'm still a horticulturist. Hey, why is Little Jack here? Are Deb and Bob house-sitting, while we're in Florida? No, they're in Ko Saimii, Thailand.
Meet the Fockers  [PG] - | Parents' Guide & Review | rhein-main-verzeichnis.info
Checking on the clinic they opened during their honeymoon. What is all this stuff, anyway? After Denny was sent away to military school, your father turned this into a learning laboratory for you-know-who over there. And do you talk yet, Mr. Talk to him like an adult. Just try to understand he's a little person. His communication skills aren't verbal yet, but he understands. I've heard about this, this baby signing stuff. This is like cutting edge. Well, at this age, Greg, his mind is like a sponge.
Look, when he reaches your age, for example, his mind will be far less capable of absorbing useful information. Hey, can I hold him? Oh, I-- I don't think that's such a good idea, Greg. All right, all right. Greg will not drop you, okay? I think he likes me. He's absorbing you like a sponge. I don't want the first word out of his mouth to be a profanity. It's cool that your dad is so into being a grandparent.
Yeah, I guess so. It kinda freaks my mom out.
She says he spends every last second with that kid. Daddy, what is this thing? It's a custom-designed, climate-controlled motor coach. Jack calls it the Highlight of our Twilight. Well, in these uncertain times, Greg, I opted for a Kevlar-reinforced hull with two-inch thick plexiglas windows, just like the ones they design on the Russian Widowmaker submarines.
I want you to conduct a field test for us, Greg. I want you to demonstrate the impregnable outer skin of the coach. Throw it at the window. Jack, I'm not gonna-- I'm not gonna throw a brick at your window. It's a simple demonstration. No, I'd-- I'd really rather not. Don't worry, your rental insurance should take care of it. Come on, we'll call a tow truck from the road.
We're driving this to Miami. I thought we were-- I thought we were, we're flying tomorrow. Airline travel being what it is these days, so unreliable, I'll feel much more comfortable knowing I have my own Posturepedic bed, my own thermostat, my own lavatory facility.
So-- so we're all going to be in this together? We hit the road in exactly seven minutes, seconds. This way we'll get in early, spend an extra half day with your parents, getting to know them. Worth it for you but I'm the one that gets the fumes. So make a-- Hey, guys, uh, it's me. Listen, I'm getting a little worried. I haven't heard back from you. Hope you got the message. There's been a little change of plans. We're gonna be, uh, coming down in Jack's RV now, so we'll be arriving tomorrow afternoon, not tomorrow night.
And, also, uh, they're bringing their little grandson, so, uh, he's like a baby. Oh, welcome aboard, me hearties. Hey, this is incredible.
Yes, it's as big as our apartment. Jinx finally learned how to flush the toilet, huh? Jack installed a special flusher, and he learnt how to do that in about two days. Ready to hit the road, Co-Captain? Let's set sail, sailor. Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. This is Captain Jack Byrnes speaking. As a courtesy to your fellow passengers, please remember that the onboard lavatory should be used for number one only.
Should the need for number two arise, we'll stop at the nearest rest stop, gas station, or heavily wooded area. I like that thing. Hey, do you mind if I, uh, make a little announcement? Only the captain gets to make an announcement. You want to honk the horn? Only the captain gets to honk the horn. Hey, Jinxy, see that? Do you want some milk? Oh, she wants you to honk the horn. Rules of the road. She honks, you honk. Give her a honk. It's like a team or something.
So make a-- Hey, there. No hard feelings, all right? Now, wait a minute. What does this mean? I know what this means. You got to poop, right? Thank you for warning me. Just let it come out. What did you do, Focker? I think he has to poop.
That's not the sign for poop. That's the sign for milk. This is the sign for poop. What's the sign for sour milk? That's because it's from Debbie's left breast, Greg. Fortunately, she pumped for a week to give us enough for the trip. Okay, snack pack for Little Jack. What are you doing there? Well, during the breastfeeding stage, Greg, infants can get very confused and upset when they're separated from their mothers. So I invented something to ease L. I call it the Mannary Gland. I had it made from an exact cast of Debbie's left bosom.
It's been so effective, I'm thinking of getting it patented. Would you like to touch it? Oh, come on, feel how soft it is. I can-- I can see how soft it is from here. No, feel it, Greg. It's very-- It looks very-- Just feel the breast, Greg. Oh, watch the nipple. It's got a great, lifelike, and a Or what I would imagine Debbie's breast might-- might actually feel like. Not that I would know. Honey, you promised you wouldn't take the boob out in front of company.
It's nothing to be ashamed of. Breast-feeding is perfectly natural. Dad, that's not natural, that's just weird. As soon as Little Jack's topped off, we're gonna hit the road. Oh, Jack, you can't drive any more tonight. Monroe said no aggravating your sciatica. Honey, we're on a very precise schedule. We bunk here tonight, we hit horrendous traffic in the morning.
Maybe you could drive the night shift. I could do that. I am the Co-Captain. So, I think that falls under my responsibilities, right? Keep her at stay alert. I've been wanting to get behind the wheel of this big boy. Sorry, got to go. Would you like some company, Greg? If you can't sleep.
How about a cappuccino? Oh, you don't have to do that. It's no problem for me. Wake up and make Greg a cappuccino!
Meet the Fockers
Shake a leg, woman! Jesus, Jack, you know, I'm not that tired. This cockpit's completely soundproofed. You should've seen the look on your face. That was-- That was a good one. But you should never talk to a woman like that, you know that, Greg.
Greg, a man reaches a certain age when he realizes what's truly important. You know what that is? Now, my grandson, Little Jack, is part of that legacy. In six months, you and Pam are gonna be married. Sometime after that, you'll want to start a family of your own. Actually, on the subject, I had some thoughts about the wedding date.
We'll discuss that later, after this weekend, Greg. Now, let's get back on point. Let me put it very simply. If your family circle does indeed join my family circle, they'll form a chain. I can't have a chink in my chain. I get the metaphor. Now, I've never met your parents, so I'm not going to jump to any hasty conclusions. But, like studying a frozen caveman, if I can see where you came from, I'll have a much better idea of where you're going.
A- are you thinking maybe my parents might be like-- like a chink in the chain or A doctor and a lawyer, what's there to worry about?
Ooh, it seems very nice. Is that your father? That is my father. What the heck is that contraption? I thought you guys were flying in tonight. I left a message yesterday We were driving-- Oh, I didn't get a message. I left you like five messages. Will you get over here and plant one on me. I've been waiting so long to see you. Good to see you. Oh, I missed you. Is this not the most handsome young man you've ever seen in your life?
I used to call him a young Jewish Marlon Brando. Can you believe I conceived him with one testicle? I only have one because the other never dropped. It's called an undescending testicle. It's not uncommon, but look at him. Imagine what he would have looked like if I had two. That's a good icebreaker. There's the sexiest second grade teacher I've ever seen in my life. That was a good one. It gets her every time. It's so nice to meet you.
The pleasure is all mine, mon cheri. You got to be the flower man. Jack Byrnes, Pam's father. And I'm Bernard Focker, Gaylord's father, and we're all grownups here and we shake hands like men. Oh, we're just playing here. Give me some love. What're you so shy about? Look at those pecs. You're harder than sheetrock. Now tell me the truth. You work out with weights, right?
Well, I do various callisthenics. Some medicine-ball training, I play bimonthly football. I was just, uh, practicing my Capoeira. The Brazilian martial art of dance fighting. He knows what that is.
You know, I've been doing it for weeks. I'm really into it. It keeps me level. Because sometimes I get wound up so tight, I could just snap. Is there a baby on board? It was all in the message. Hey, Moses, go ahead, say hello to your future in-laws. No, no, he's harmless. Just shake him off. He likes the shaking.
The pink part didn't get on you. Moses, go, get in your basket. Who's this little guy? This is our grandson, Little Jack. How are you, Little Jack? Hey, Dad, don't-- don't-- don't infantilize him. Just talk to him like a person. What are you talking about? I want to talk to him like he's a baby. When Roz's dad died, I said: Dad, you continue the tour. I'm gonna tell Mom we're here, okay? The upstairs bathroom is on el fritzo.
So we're all gonna have to share this one for now. Since there's a water scarcity on the island, we kind of abide by the ''if it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown flush it down'' policy. Forgot my own rule. The RV has paid for itself already. Let's get your kundalini rising. And now it's time for the ladies to get into the reverse cowgirl position. Guys, you have to lie across the Liberator pad like so. Everyone look at how Ira's doing it. The man is loose, he's limber and he's ready for action.
So, climb aboard, girls, and let me hear your bodies talk. This position is terrific for anyone with osteoporosis, gout or goiter. Stay with me, kids. We have to wrap it up. Remember to take your Liberator pads.
And don't forget to stretch before you try this at home. We don't want anyone shattering a pelvis. Oh, I love you so much. I haven't seen my bubeleh in months. Honey, you feel thin. Mom, how do we explain all these people to the Byrneses? The Byrneses won't know they were here. We agreed to be discreet about you being a sex therapist this weekend until you got to know Jack and Dina better.
I put all my toys away. And my office is all ready for them to sleep in. Your father thought they'd be more comfortable down here. You don't wanna know. Talk to me about something important, honey. How are things with you and Pam?
Because, you know, after two years, you have to work to keep things going. Does she still climax regularly? You can't talk that way this weekend, okay? Honey, I'm just saying I didn't raise you to be a so-so lover. Okay, what is he doing? Don't-- don't worry about them. Mom, Mom, you got to get these people out of here now. Wipe that little gloss off you. You hunt deer, Bernard? No, I hate that thing. Roz's father gave it to us.
He was into all that macho-wacho crap. He and I went duck-hunting together. Gay, you went duck-hunting with-- with Jack? We went, we did. We went on a little hunting trip. You shot a duck?
I shot at a duck and You killed an innocent creature of the sky? I think I might've clipped it or And now, for the piece de resistance.
Little somethin' I've been workin' on. Mom will be out in a sec. It's the Wall of Gaylord. The Wall of Gaylord? Isn't it nice to finally display your accomplishments, Son? Honey, look at all your awards. Oh, I didn't know they made ninth place ribbons. Oh, Jack, they got them all the way up to th place.
Anybody want to get a drink by the lagoon? This one looks impressive. We've always tried to instill a sense of self in Gaylord without being too goal-oriented. It's not about winning or losing, it's about passion.
We just want him to love what he's doin'. You know what I mean, Jack? I think a competitive drive is the essential key that makes America the only remaining superpower in the world today. Don't forget the positions. Oh, Thank you, BJ. Ira, remember, easy on the thrusting. What-- What kind of work does your mother do with those patients?
Those look like yoga mats. Is there yoga involved? It's sort of, um, a, um, a-- a-- a couples therapy. It's kind of her own sort of-- Rozela! How are you, baby girl? Look at you, you're glowing! I-- I just can't believe it's taken us this long to meet, huh. And who's this little hairball? They brought their grandson Baby Jack along. I could eat him up. Bern, did you show them where they're sleeping? Because we don't have any air-conditioning, I made up a nice spot for you in Roz's office 'cause it gets the best breeze, and it's very near the communal commode.
Oh, well, you know, actually, we're gonna stay in our motor home. We sleep under the same roof. Actually, Mom's office is kind of cluttered. So, that-- that works all right. It's just really easier with Little Jack. They wanna sleep in the trailer, let them sleep in the trailer. Mom, it's not actually-- It's not a trailer. It's kind of like-- It's like a-- like a hotel on wheels. This is practically a hotel. I was gonna do the turndown service-- I know, I know, but it's their choice.
Wherever you feel most comfortable is fine. Bern, let it go. Yeah, let it go. Look at you, sulking.
Now, look at this. I married a teenager. At least you have the libido of a teenager. I gave her a little matinee today-- Oh! How about a double feature? Why don't we go show them the lagoon? Come see the lagoon. We'll get drunk, we'll take a piss in the lagoon. Roz, why don't you take them outside?
I'll make a drink. Hey, Dad-- It's going good so far, right? Dad, you gotta take down that weird shrine thing.
But I'm very proud of you, Gaylord. What's wrong with showing it? Most people aren't proud of sixth place ribbons. Since when do you care about most people? I don't, but Jack is really into winning and competition and sports. It's a whole other thing with him. You're a winner up here and in here.
And that's all that matters. I don't know what that means, but thank you. So, to solve that problem, I created a life-like latex left breast moulded from his mother's actual left breast, so this way L. You're avoiding confusion by strapping a boob on a man? Well, yes, believe it or not, it is less confusing because of the texture Mom.
Uh, I guess it's very, uh, creative. A little birdie told me that one of our guests here is a Tom Collins man. Oh, for pity's sake. Isn't that nice, Jack? I want to make a toast. Now, I had a vasectomy in So, unfortunately, I never had the chance to procreate a daughter, but had I been able to, I really would've wanted a girl as sensitive and as intelligent and as beautiful as this young lady sitting right here before us.
And if I might add I thought you had a sister? You said you had a sister. You said you milked your sister's cat. Okay, I'm not done yet. What I'm trying to say is, it's taken far too long to do this, you know, but we're finally all together.
All right, that's enough. Like you have popcorn stuck in the throat. I want to say one more thing about my vasectomy. Honey, get yourself over here. You're so cute, they'll forgive you anything. You are the sexiest woman alive I know. You're just trying to get me back into bed. This is a delicious Tom Collins. What I did, I used real lemon juice. It's from our trees here. He was squeezing all afternoon.
And, Jack, I managed to make some lemon juice, too. Gay, you all right? Well, I think that Roz and Bernie seem like very nice people. A little off-colour, but very nice. But isn't it wonderful, Jack? After all this build-up, the kids are finally getting married. I feel so happy.
I think he just spoke. Little Jack, were you about to speak? Nope, just a little flatulence.
Meet the Fockers
What were you saying, honey? Guys, where are you going? We're checking out Jack's macho-wacho trailer. I want to see that boob. Can I talk to you for a sec? Hey, listen, don't let Moses go in there. They have a cat. Moses is perfectly trained-- Dad, he humps everything that moves.
Honey, he's like his father. I never cheated on you. They're not listening to me. They seem to be getting along really well, don't you think? I kind of feel bad that I worried so much. I'm two weeks late. I'm nauseous, my boobs hurt, and I can smell everything. You're gonna have a baby. Oh, we're gonna have a little baby, a baby. You realize your father is going to kill me?
No, no, no, no, no. He's not gonna find out because we're not going to tell him. He's a human lie detector. He lives to sniff out stuff like this.
We'll get through this weekend, we'll get through tomorrow. And-- and-- and we'll tell them on Sunday before we go. We'll tell them all. I just hate the idea of keeping secrets from your dad. It's just one little secret. Welcome to the chateau. No wonder they don't want to sleep in our shit box.
Look at this place. I-- I don't think the dog is such a good idea. Moses is more of a lover than a fighter. He's always dreamt of me having a white wedding. You don't know how upset he's gonna be. No, I do know. Dad, I told you to keep him out of the RV. He said he wanted to see the RV. Get that goddamn dog out of here! Jinx, don't do it.
I'm gonna save you! The cat can flush? Get out of the way! What the hell are you doing? I got to get my dog! What about my toilet? So much for the protection of our rolling safe house. Oh, honey, he was trying to save his pet. I mean, what if it was Jinxy who got flushed into a toilet?
Jinx has had extensive aquatic training. He would have known exactly what to do in the event of a submersion. Sorry about the trailer, Jack. There's no way we're not telling him this weekend. That's what I was saying. So, what do you wanna do? I never thought this'd be an issue. I thought we'd be married before we got pregnant. Why don't we move the wedding up to next month? Then we'll tell your dad you got pregnant on the honeymoon.
Oh, my God, yeah, that could work. Just follow my lead. Without further ado, my famous Focker Fondue. Come on, dig in. Get it while it's hot. That is so impressive, Bernie.
Did you do that yourself? I love to cook. I can't even fry an egg. I'm amazed he finds the time to cook with such a high-powered legal career.
I wouldn't exactly call-- Uh-oh! Why did you kick me? I kick-- kicked you because you're being modest and you should tell people that you are a good lawyer, which he is, a- a-and he has fought some really big, important legal battles.
Truth is, Jack, when Gay was born, I stopped practicing and became a stay-at-home dad. Oh, believe me, he won a trial or two in his day.
Extremely good trial lawyer.