Romantic relationships are important for our happiness and well-being. Yet with more than 40 percent of new marriages ending in divorce, it's clear that relationships Researchers have found that communication style is more important than. It's not diamonds and flowers that make a marriage, but the little things—and taking these small, simple steps over time will yield bigger, happier results. As Pillemer explains it, couples began to see the benefit of having a focus “ toward your partner's enjoyment How Social Media May Be Ruining Your Marriage.
Know that conflict often gives way to growth. Conflict means that new growth is trying to occur. Nearly every relationship goes from romantic bliss to a power struggle. During this temporary stage, our human tendency is to be defensive and protective. This sets our partner up for a negative reaction, usually either withdrawing or attacking. That can snowball and ultimately result in one or both people feeling hopeless that they can reclaim the love that once prevailed.
But with the right communication skills, you can. Get used to saying "me" instead of "we. Fixing the things you can about yourself can make your relationship better. Ask each other why you still want to work on the marriage. If both partners really want the relationship to work, they might be able to make it happen. Know who does what when it comes to housework According to a UCLA studycouples who agree to share chores at home are more likely to be happier in their relationships.
In other words, when you know what to do and what's expected with you, you tend to be happier both yourself and with your spouse. This might be a good thing to sit down and discuss in the new year, especially if you're newly cohabitating. Are gay--or straight and feminist In a recent study of 5, people, researchers found that gay couples are " happier and more positive " about their relationships than their heterosexual counterparts.
If you're going to be hetero, though, you're better off being feminist. The name of the study? The opposite was not true--when husbands thought they were better-looking, they weren't as happy.
The Only Marriage Advice You’ll Ever Need
And have a lot of friends in common InFacebook released a report that analyzed 1. Couples with overlapping social networks tended to be less likely to break up--especially when that closeness included "social dispersion," or the introduction of one person's sphere to the other, and vice versa.
In other words, the best-case scenario is when each person has their own circle, but the two also overlap. Spend money in similar ways The two biggest things couples fight about are sex and money. When it comes to the latter, it's well-known to psychologists as well as social scientists that for some reason, people tend to attract their spending opposite. Share them with your partner. Make promises and then stick to them.
You cannot build that track record until you own up to previous mistakes and set about correcting them. This is hard and will likely require confrontation to get to the bottom of. Own up to it. And strive to be better. Trust is like a china plate. If you drop it and it breaks, you can put it back together with a lot of work and care.
If you drop it and break it a second time, it will split into twice as many pieces and it will require far more time and care to put back together again. But drop and break it enough times, and it will shatter into so many pieces that you will never be able to put it back together again, no matter what you do. Figure out as individuals what makes you happy as an individual, be happy yourself, then you each bring that to the relationship.
You are supposed to keep the relationship happy by consistently sacrificing yourself for your partner and their wants and needs. There is some truth to that. Every relationship requires each person to consciously choose to give something up at times. Just read that again. This is the person you chose. It will only backfire and make you both miserable. Have the courage to be who you are, and most importantly, let your partner be who they are.
Those are the two people who fell in love with each other in the first place. What do I mean? Have your own interests, your own friends, your own support network, and your own hobbies.
Overlap where you can, but not being identical should give you something to talk about and expose one another to. People sung the praises of separate checking accounts, separate credit cards, having different friends and hobbies, taking separate vacations from one another each year this has been a big one in my own relationship.
Some even went so far as to recommend separate bathrooms or even separate bedrooms. Some people are afraid to give their partner freedom and independence.
BUT, more importantly, this inability to let our partners be who they are, is a subtle form of disrespect. What does it say for your respect for yourself? Drives me nuts when I see women not let their husbands go out with the guys or are jealous of other women. We have changed faiths, political parties, numerous hair colors and styles, but we love each other and possibly even more.
Our grown kids constantly tell their friends what hopeless romantics we are. And the biggest thing that keeps us strong is not giving a fuck about what anyone else says about our relationship. I can get on board with that. Among major life changes people told me their marriages went through and survived: Amazingly, these couples survived because their respect for each other allowed them to adapt and allow each person to continue to flourish and grow.
You know who they are today, but you have no idea who this person is going to be in five years, ten years, and so on. You have to be prepared for the unexpected, and truly ask yourself if you admire this person regardless of the superficial or not-so-superficial details, because I promise almost all of them at some point are going to either change or go away.
In fact, at times, it will be downright soul-destroying. Which is why you need to make sure you and your partner know how to fight.
Much like the body and muscles, it cannot get stronger without stress and challenge. You have to fight. You have to hash things out. Obstacles make the marriage. What Gottman does is he gets married couples in a room, puts some cameras on them, and then he asks them to have a fight.
He asks them to fight. Successful couples, like unsuccessful couples, he found, fight consistently. And some of them fight furiously.
He has been able to narrow down four characteristics of a couple that tend to lead to divorces or breakups. Stonewalling withdrawing from an argument and ignoring your partner. The reader emails back this up as well. Out of the 1,some-odd emails, almost every single one referenced the importance of dealing with conflicts well. Advice given by readers included: Never insult or name-call your partner.
This solves nothing and just makes the fight twice as bad as it was before. Yeah, you forgot to pick up groceries on the way home, but what does him being rude to your mother last Thanksgiving have to do with anything?
If things get too heated, take a breather. Remove yourself from the situation and come back once emotions have cooled off a bit. This is a big one for me personally, sometimes when things get intense with my wife, I get overwhelmed and just leave for a while.
I usually walk around the block times and let myself seeth for about 15 minutes. But all of this takes for granted another important point: Be willing to have the fights. Say the ugly things and get it all out in the open. This was a constant theme from the divorced readers. There were times when I saw huge red flags. Instead of trying to figure out what in the world was wrong, I just plowed ahead. And instead of saying something, I ignored all of the signals. You can be right and be quiet at the same time.
In fact, his findings were completely backwards from what most people actually expect: To me, like everything else, this comes back to the respect thing. Compromise is bullshit, because it leaves both sides unsatisfied, losing little pieces of themselves in an effort to get along.
Conflict becomes much easier to navigate because you see more of the context.
The Only Marriage Advice You’ll Ever Need | Real Simple
A similar concept seems to be true in relationships: But how do you get good at forgiving? What does that actually mean?
Again, some advice from the readers: Some couples went as far as to make this the golden rule in their relationship. And you both agree to leave it there, not bring it up every month for the next three years. When your partner screws up, you separate the intentions from the behavior. Not because they secretly hate you and want to divorce you. They are a good person. If you ever lose your faith in that, then you will begin to erode your faith in yourself. And finally, pick your battles wisely.
You and your partner only have so many fucks to givemake sure you both are saving them for the real things that matter.
One piece of advice that comes to mind: Some things matter, worth getting upset about. Like Chinese water torture: Is it worth the cost of arguing? Eventually your kids grow up, your obnoxious brother-in-law will join a monastery and your parents will die. You got it… Mr. You and your partner need to be the eye of the hurricane. Even cleaning up when you accidentally pee on the toilet seat seriously, someone said that — these things all matter and add up over the long run.
This seems to become particularly important once kids enter the picture.
The big message I heard hundreds of times about kids: Parents are expected to sacrifice everything for them. But the best way to raise healthy and happy kids is to maintain a healthy and happy marriage. A good marriage makes good kids.
Relationship Advice from Over 1, Happily Married Couples
So keep your marriage the top priority. Make time for it. Oh, and speaking of sex… Sex Matters… A Lot. Sex starts to slide. No other test required.