How To Ask For Your Needs and Desires - Relationship Counselling Specialists
How to communicate your needs in a relationship is essential to its own, and they find it difficult to articulate their personal goals and desires. From the work of Esther Perel, we know that desire in long-term relationships involves two needs that push against each other. On the one hand, we need. air to flourish. Giving your relationship what it needs to thrive is a truly loving gesture. There has to be the desire to be together as a couple. You may think.
However, the car that my partner drives has very little impact on the emotional and psychological support they invest in the relationship.
But often times the differences between our needs and are wants are not as pronounced as this example. They walk a fine line and I dare say they even change from couple to couple.
Needs, Wants and Deal-Breakers
I suspect that part of the reason that we confuse the two so easily is because our culture teaches us to be impulsive and listens to our urges. Advertising, marketing and music are constantly trying to reveal areas where we are deficient so that we believe that we need their product. Our relationships are not immune to these messages. We constantly feel like we need to be having more sex, be flawless looking for our partners, and are left with an aching feeling that we will never be enough.
We have all of these muddled beliefs and expectations about what we need. These needs are largely shaped by the media and relationships we have observed, whether in real life or on the television screen.
Beyond that, we are also taught to just listen to our feelings, thoughts and impulses, which are often misleading. Impulses guide us in the moment, which may not always be helpful when trying to build a long-term committed relationship. Here are some critical thinking questions that can help you reality check whether your desire or impulse is a need or a want.
You can stop and ask yourself: Is this something that I need in my relationship in order to be satisfied? Is this something that I can live without? Is this a requirement for a healthy relationship? Am I being impulsive? Sharing each others desires brings creativity, aliveness and growth. Asking for what you Need and Desire: The asking for what we need and want, in this age of independence can still be the sticking point for many of us.
The asking is separate to getting it. Feel this belief in you as you ask. What is it that drives your resistance- identify it and acknowledge it and leave it in the past for now. This keeps your energy inside you rather than reaching out to the other where it can be chopped off at the knees.
This also prevents you from unconsciously trying to hook the other person into your manipulation, leaving them free to respond authentically. If you can do this the rest will be much easier. Avoid hinting, implying, suggesting or any other covert methods of asking for what you want. Just be clear, open and direct so the other person can hear you.
7 Things All Women Need In A Relationship
Never make a demand. Demands leave your partner 3 unhealthy options- to give in, to resist or to fight back. Avoid asking from the negative eg. Will you this time?
This will inspire your partner to get onto your team and help you manifest it. Be willing to negotiate.
Even better, be willing to get what you want in ways that might surprise you. In fact a big empty tank can make a desire feel like a real need instead. See Creative Need Fulfilment Activity below.