Getting Over Relationship Insecurity | HuffPost Life
This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor . we get the security that our partner is invested into our relationship and. So what could this mean for your relationship? If you're the anxious type, then it's likelier that you're clinging onto your partner, as well as. Anxiety in the Uncertain Relationship: Why You Have It and How to cause anxiety because there is no sense of security, stability or safety in.
I didn't trust her, but I was obsessed. So I lied because I wanted her to feel the same way I felt. Sick to my stomach. I lied to prove that she cared about me. My lying to her proved that she did. But it also created an argument that ended our relationship forever. So why did I do it?Overcome Male Anxiety and Insecurity in Relationships
Insecurity Our relationship was a classic toxic relationship. Something would happen in my life and I'd seek closeness to her. She would reject me. She would tell me I was "too needy" or "too sensitive.
Like all toxic relationships, this only amplified my anxiety and insecurity. So I would behave in batshit crazy ways to reconnect with her. I would do anything and everything I could to get the reassurance I wanted in the relationship.
Relationship Anxiety | HuffPost
This only caused her to push me away even farther, neglecting my needs. Extensive research on intimate relationships have shown that people behave in very predictable ways when we are in love. The toxic relationship I'm describing above is a typical avoidant and anxious relationship. These types of relationships are full of ambiguity. The avoidant partner sends mixed signals about their commitment in the relationship.
They may say they are committed, but their actions make you feel differently. You are left guessing. And every time you get a mixed message, like me, you become preoccupied with the relationship.
Even though you know it's not healthy, you can't seem to stop thinking about them. Friendships, hobbies, and career opportunities fall to the wayside. Next thing you know, you're doing the craziest things just to reconnect with them. Even if you know it's unhealthy. This could be driving by their house or snooping through their phone. We often seek relationships that confirm our self views and run away from those that don't.
Like many anxious lovers, I believed that I was too much for my lover. Below you can see how clear my relationship reinforces this.
So why was I so obsessed with her? Why couldn't I move on, even though I know I should?
The Reason We Actually Feel Jealousy (And How To Deal With It)
Because my beliefs about myself reinforced my insecurity. We often blame ourselves for the lack of responsiveness from those we love. It reinforces our feelings of unworthiness. Any negative feelings we have about the relationship are turned inward.
We put our partners on a pedestal and we make extreme compromises to keep the relationship. This is why we quickly become relationship chameleons or use sex to validate our worth.
At the heart of it, we don't believe we are good enough to be loved, so we adapt rather quickly. In my relationship above, I quickly adopted my girlfriend's vegan lifestyle habits. Anxious lovers often use their adaptability to pick up new hobbies, values, or passions that bring them closer to our partners, even if they don't care about it. I'm not vegan now. I only did it because she cared about it and I thought it was a way to bring me closer to her.
I was unaware of that at the time, though. Eventually we lose ourself in the relationship. Our partners stop finding us attractive. We are no longer the person they fell in love with.
We are a copycat version of them. So how can keep our sense of self? How can we stop hiding our true feelings in fear of rejection? After all, it is our fear of rejection that causes us to tolerate behavior that makes us feel insecure in the first place.
There are two separate roads that lead to gaining security in our relationships. The first route is to find a healthy lover. Someone who offers reassurance when we feel insecure.
Someone who isn't afraid of intimacy and will get as close as we want. He keeps needing it! It'll never stop and it's exhausting. Once we get the security that our partner is invested into our relationship and cares about our well-being, we actually turn our attention outside the relationship. We go on to start businesses.
We take on new hobbies. This called the dependency paradox of relationships.
The Anxious Lover: Stop Feeling Insecure And Get The Love You Crave | HuffPost Life
Over time our beliefs slowly change, and we stop worrying because we get the reassurance we truly need on a consistent and reliable basis.
We stop fearing that our partner finds us overbearing. We stop behaving in ways that avoid conflict to get reassurance. Anxious lovers often avoid conflict or compromise to gain reassurance that their partner will stay with them, even at the cost of things they deeply care about. The problem is we find those secure individuals to be repulsive. They make us feel calm because they are direct, vulnerable, and honest about what they feel. This doesn't match our beliefs. Our life experiences have confused our insecurity, uncertainty, and anxiety in our prior relationships for passion.
So when we are faced with someone who is comfortable with closeness and is direct about what they want, we push them away. Instead, we fall for someone who is emotionally unavailable. Someone who makes us uncertain. Or am I just envious? We're told to be wary of the green-eyed monster. That insidious thing that can creep up out of nowhere and knock you for a six -- at times when you may least expect it.
Whether it's your best friend's job promotion or your ex's new fling, it can also confuse the hell out of you. And proceed to do damage.
If you let it. The Huffington Post Australia spoke to behavioural expert Dr John Demartini to put all of your confusion and worries to rest.
Relationship Security = Better Sex
Why do we feel it? First things first, you're not totally crazy. We're all hardwired to feel jealous. And we search for prey and try to avoid predators. That is our basic primary 'reward and punishment' system," Demartini told Huffpost Australia. Jealousy is a biological, built-in system for fear of loss of something that we value. And then there are those good ol' relationships. There's a natural yearning there.
And so we react. So whilst it may have dire consequences, it is rooted in a desire to protect what is important to you. And then there's envy.