The Myth of Compatibility: How to Make a Relationship Last
Dr. Chapman explains that compatibility is much more complicated than chemistry and is far Conflict is not the centerpiece of the relationship. Finding the key to a successful relationship is a desire many have. There's also the argument that conflict is good for relationships as well. 9 Results Communication isn't important in a relationship, it is the relationship. Home | Book Resources | Communication and Conflict Resolution are associated with communication difficulties or compatibility challenges: If you find that you.
The actual length of time is not the issue. It is important that whatever time is established is long enough to return to an unemotional and fully cognitive and rational state. Some issues are too emotionally arousing to fully accomplish this, but you must be in a position to lay aside your emotions and listen with full comprehension. There are some instances in which 30 seconds to take a deep breath and refocus might be enough.
To fully understand your partner During the re-address phase, there is one clear objective: Listen until you fully understand the perspective of the other. When a person realizes that the objective is to listen without worrying about responding, it is surprising how easy it is to listen. It is perfectly acceptable, in many cases desirable, to have paper and pencil handy and jot down ideas as the other person is talking.
This allows you to focus full attention on the other without anxiety that you will forget something important. Again the attitude is one of calm comprehension. Sometimes it is Helpful to Structure Your Discussion Sometimes it helps to actually structure the flow of events in the re-address session. For instance the husband might talk and present his perspective for 20 minutes or whatever time is necessary to feel that he has fully addressed the topic.
She will listen with full attention and jot down notes if necessary. It is OK for her to speak during his presentation but only clarifying questions. Who should go first? Who goes first will typically be associated with the most productive sequence of dialog. For instance, if Karen is distressed about how the children are being disciplined, then, since the issue bothers her the most, she should go first so she has opportunity to fully express her position.
In many discussions there are initiators and responders on a given topic.
Sometimes both have an equal state in the discussion and a coin flip is fine to determine who starts. Like her partner, the woman now listens with full attention, taking down notes if desired, and asking only clarifying questions.
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The focus, again is to fully understand the other. After both sides have been fully expressed then one of three situations have emerged. Rejoice, go out and celebrate! It becomes, at this point, simply a matter of determining the best implementation of that solution. Either of the first two outcomes provides solution and you can go on about your business. The third option requires further discussion.
If resolution has not yet taken place, then the discussion continues. Now is the time for the partners to make use of the notes they have taken and thoughtfully address each concern. If it is a very sensitive topic you might even create additional structure: When his questions have been fully addressed, then she does the same with him listening and responding.Jordan Peterson: How to avoid chronic sources of conflict in relationships
Once again there are two outcomes to this continued discussion: In this case you rejoice, go out and celebrate. However if the issue has not resolved and you both feel that further discussion will not further contribute, then you move to step 7.
That is you need to establish, long before the conflict, who has the final word in the event of gridlock. Who makes the final decision is a matter for the couple to decide. There are many models that may be followed, we explore a few. This model is practiced in many societies and in Christian or Jewish communities represents a scriptural model with the husband as the patriarch or high priest of the family.
Research reveals that families that fully accept this model generally do well with it. However, if the wife is restive or resentful about the pattern, then the model may break down.
How this is negotiated will reflect the personalities of the two individuals. A common pattern is to determine shared leadership based on certain domains or areas of expertise.
For instance she might make decisions related to finances and the children; he may make decisions related to home maintenance, shopping and automobiles. The different patterns are as diverse as the couples who attempt a shared leadership model. If one takes some sort of dictatorial role, a foundational principle of success has been violated.
Often such a person has serious psychological problems such as the urge to control or manipulate another that is almost certain to guarantee an unsuccessful marriage. The religious beliefs partners bring to a relationship affect how conflicts play out and the faith lives of their future children.
Drawing on shared beliefs Religiously matched couples can draw on resources that would not exist without that spiritual bone during times of conflict or stress. For example, they might choose to pause an argument to pray together, which many religion researchers describe as a valuable way to address hurt feelings. A strong religious foundation can also sustain relationships through dark periods, such as the aftermath of an affair, as the Deseret News reported in September.
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Couples who believe their connection is sanctified, or centered on God, seem to have more success than other pairings in overcoming these difficult situations. Eight in 10 U.
Navigating religious tension As Pew's study showed, religious discussions are less common in religiously mixed households, which holds consequences for romantic partners and their future children. People who feel awkward sharing their religious experiences with their spouse may struggle to stay connected to their own spirituality, Pew reported. Adults in religiously matched marriages are more likely to believe in God, say religion is important to them, attend worship services regularly and pray more frequently than their peers in religiously mixed marriages.
More than 8 in 10 Protestants 82 percent married to fellow Protestants are highly religious, compared to 58 percent of Protestants married to non-Protestant believers and 49 percent married to someone unaffiliated with a faith, according to the study.
The Myth of Compatibility: What Really Contributes to Relationship Longevity?
The potential temptation to disengage from religion can be passed on to children of religiously mixed parents, resulting in higher rates of departure from faith communities. This trend is especially pronounced among Catholics, researchers noted. One-third of adults raised to embrace Catholicism by one Catholic parent and one non-Catholic parent 34 percent are religiously unaffiliated today, compared to 17 percent of people raised Catholic by two Catholic parents.